Those Words from A Father That Helped Us as a New Father

"I believe I was just trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of fatherhood.

But the truth soon became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple words "You are not in a good spot. You must get assistance. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While the public is now more accustomed to addressing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider failure to talk between men, who still absorb damaging notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the space to ask for a break - taking a couple of days abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen was without consistent male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a family member, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their stories, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they faced their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are in this journey."